In order to function well at work and in your relationships, you need to know your children are doing well, and that their needs are being taken care of. Here are ten strategies that will help you ease the transition for your children in your newly blended family.
- Tell your children up front that their step parent is not there to replace their biological parent. Reassure them their biological parent will always be their mom or dad and that there is no expectation to call their new step parent mom or dad.
- Let your children know it’s okay if they don’t love their step parent like you do. Nevertheless, they do need to treat them with respect. The same is true for their step siblings.
- Plan regular parent-child dates with your biological children. And don’t ever cancel! Give them your precious time—your undivided attention. It can be as little as 15 minutes a day, but it must be consistent. While buying them new toys or planning fancy trips may seem like a way to show your love for them, it cannot ever replace you. Your kids want you. Be there.
- Help your kids understand the non-negotiable behavior rules of your home by placing them in a prominent area. Let them know they will be disciplined if they break these rules and that your new spouse will discipline them if you are not home to do it.
- Give everyone time and space to form new relationships. Don’t force the family to do everything as a family unit. Too much forced togetherness backfires.
- Keep your own expectations realistic. Building a secure blended family takes years of commitment. The effort you put into your relationship with your step children may take years to fully develop.
- Learn about gender differences. General research shows girls have more difficulty accepting step fathers than boys, and girls are more uncomfortable with a step father’s physical affection than boys. Girls may also express dislike of their step mother, picking up the biological mother’s anger, and acting in solidarity with her. This behavior dissipates if the biological mother tells the daughter being angry and disrespectful to the step mother is not an option.
- Learn about affection. Both girls and boys prefer verbal affection over hugs. If the kids are shying away from physical touch, give them the space they need.
- Find something each child is doing right and encourage them. Tell them how much you respect or appreciate the fact that they do this or that. Write them a note that tells them how much they mean to you and sneak it in their lunch box. Send them an unexpected text during the day recognizing them for something they’ve done well. Be creative and let them know you noticed.
- Accept the reality that it is normal to love your own biological children more that your step children, even when your intention is to love them as your own.
Therapists at The Center for Family Unity can help you strengthen the bonds in your blended family and ease any transitions you may be struggling with. We invite you to book a free 20 minute consultation on our website. Contact us today.
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