“Children are resilient. They’ll bounce back.”
If you are in the midst of a divorce, you’ve likely heard these words. And as
hurting parents, we hope it’s true. We pray that our children will walk through the
pain with few scars and little emotional pain. But while children do learn to adapt
in even the toughest circumstances, divorce brings painful wounds, and they
need our help to find healing.
Because of divorce, children will grieve a number of losses. One parent has
moved out, and depending on the financial situation, the children may have to
move to a new home, losing familiar surroundings. Friendships sometimes
change, siblings grieve, money may be tight and their custodial parent may be
hurt and angry as well. All sense of security and safety is compromised as
children look around to see their new, unsettled world.
The following are steps you can take to maximize damage control:
Find A Support Group:
Many churches have a program called Divorce Care and
Divorce Care for Kids. The lessons complement each other and the kids have a
place to go to process their hurt with other kids whose parents are divorcing.
Tell Your Child the Truth
This is a sensitive one. Depending on their age and level of development (an 8
year old may act like a 5 year old, especially when under stress.) I will provide in
depth information on this subject in a future blog called Ages and Stages.
Make Changes Slowly
While you are experiencing emotional pain, the fight or flight primitive feelings
can kick in. Journal your feeling, breathe, talk to a friend…refrain from making big
changes while under stress. You may regret it and your children will suffer in the
process.
Give your child time
Divorce creates stress and time pressures. You have more to do and less time.
Children don’t adapt as adults do since they live in their emotional minds and
rarely access their decision making minds. Sloooow down, allow your children
and yourself time. Time to heal, time to make sense of what has happened, time
to reconnect and redefine what life is now about.
Wait to Date
It is best to wait two years before you start to date. At the very least until the
divorce is final. You and your children are under a lot of stress and you need
each other to be fully available to join together in a new family unit. Dating or
having “sleep overs” are confusing and painful for children who are trying to
adjust to a new life. This will model personal integrity to your child.
Let Your Child Love the Other Parent
Never bash the other parent, find your own personal outlet and healing support
so your brokenness doesn’t become your child’s. Allow your child to buy cards or
gifts as needed for the other parent. This will give them permission to continue
their loving relationship; after all it is their only mom or dad.
Discipline Consistently
Consistency will be of great importance due to the many changes in your
families’ lives and this is true with discipline. You may feel bad since some of
your child’s acting out is due to the fracture that has happened in their hearts. I
will go into depth with my future blog, Discipline and Divorce, how to help your
child feel safe.
Let Kids Be Kids
Your nerves may be on edge since your life has been turned upside down. What
you were able to tolerate before may irritate now. Remember kids are kids, not
miniature adults. They don’t experience the world as adults do and play time is
important so they can laugh and feel normal again. I will outline games and
playtime activities in Play, Pretend and Parent-Child Bonds, How Playtime
Affects the Brain.