Marriage Counseling Archives - The Center for Family Unity

How To Show Your Spouse You Love Them

You may think that marriage is the ultimate show of love, but it’s still a relationship that requires constant work. If you’ve been having trouble showing your spouse how much you love and support them, we’ve got some tips for bringing that connection back to your marriage.

Learn your spouse’s love language.
Treat your spouse with respect even when you disagree.
Be your spouse’s best friend.
Never criticize or treat your spouse with contempt – especially in front of others.
Speak highly of them – especially in front of others.
Learn to resolve conflict gently.
Don’t air dirty laundry with friends and family.
Replace negative behaviors with positive changes.
Learn how to forgive.

Do you want to learn how to better love your spouse? Contact The Center For Family Unity.

How To Fix A Marriage

Are you wondering how to fix a broken marriage? Are you feeling the sting of your mate’s criticism too frequently? Does your mate seem to make statements that indicate contempt for you as a person? Are the two of you involved in the “Blame Game,” bickering about which one of you is really at fault for the problems you are having? Are you furious that your mate “stonewalls” every attempt you make resolve conflict, and often refuses to even make eye contact?

Be encouraged! The destructive behaviors described are unfortunately all too common,

and have been well researched in clinical studies. The good news is that the most important findings from Dr. Gottman’s 35 years of research on troubled unions can be used to fix a marriage headed for divorce.

Dr. Gottman refers to the negative behavior patterns described in the opening paragraph as, “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” These behaviors predict early divorcing – an average of 5.6 years after the wedding, with amazing accuracy. The four behaviors identified in his research are:

Criticism: stating one’s complaints as a defect in one’s partner’s personality; giving the partner negative trait attributions. Example: “You always talk about yourself. You are so selfish.”
Contempt: statements that come from a relative position of superiority. Contempt is the greatest predictor of divorce and must be eliminated. Example: “You’re an idiot.”
Defensiveness: self-protection in the form of righteous indignation or innocent victim-hood. Defensiveness wards off a perceived attack. Often develops as a result of or reaction to contempt. Example: “It’s not my fault that we’re always late; it’s your fault.”
Stonewalling: emotional withdrawal from interaction. Example: The listener does not give the speaker the usual nonverbal signals that the listener is “tracking” with the speaker. Emotional withdrawal and anger predict later divorcing – an average of 16.2 years after the wedding.

Dr. Gottman summarizes two key findings about happily married couples as follows:

Happily married couples behave like good friends and resolve their conflicts in gentle, positive ways.
Happily married couples are able to repair negative interactions during an argument and can process negative emotions fully.

The answer to the question “How to fix a marriage?” requires a couple to learn effective ways to resolve conflict. No marriage is conflict free, but how couples process or manage conflict is a key factor in the longevity of their marriage. Dr. Gottman’s research points out that the more likely a person is to enter into “fight or flight” mode during a conflict, “the more his or her marital satisfaction is likely to decline during a period of three years.” The inability to manage conflict has terrible consequences for your physical and mental health, and your satisfaction in your marriage.

If you and your spouse communicate primarily with criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling, you might benefit from reading one of Dr. Gottman’s books. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work or Why Marriages Succeed or Fail…and How You Can Make Yours last. Reading these books can help you make sense of your current experience, and encourage you to learn skills that help to fix a marriage.

The adage “Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me” is not true for most people. Angry, thoughtless, vindictive words destroy the underpinnings of marriage. When words have penetrated deeply, there is a need to learn how to forgive the unforgivable comments that have wounded a spouse’s very essence.

The counselors at The Center for Family Unity are experienced in teaching couples how to resolve conflict in gentle, positive ways. Call today at 619-884-0601 to make an appointment to fix your marriage, and make The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse a thing of the past.

When Should I Seek Counseling For My Marriage?

If you’re seeing any of these 11 red flags, it’s probably time to look into marriage counseling.

Your communication patterns are negative and hurtful
You speak poorly to others about your spouse
You repeat heated arguments about unresolved issues
You daydream about having an affair
You keep a list of grievances—and refuse to forgive
You are no longer attracted to your spouse and lack sexual intimacy
You wonder if your marriage was a mistake
You prefer to spend time with anyone other than your spouse
You disagree on money, work, and/or parenting
You don’t trust your spouse
You feel like you’ve exhausted your efforts to improve your relationship

Are you ready and willing to work on fixing your marriage? Contact The Center For Family Unity today to learn how we can help you.

10 Ways to Maximize Marriage Counseling to Save Your Marriage

Are you looking for ways to save your marriage and wondering if marriage counseling would help? There are some unique benefits to marriage counseling as opposed to other types of therapy. According to a study by the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, 97% of the clients seen in marriage counseling indicated they received the help they needed. Two other benefits of marriage counseling are that this type of therapy takes less time than individual therapy, and is often less expensive than seeing a psychologist or psychiatrist. Couples also find it appealing that the marriage counselor or therapist is considered an expert in relationships, while other therapists may as a matter of training and practice have more of a focus on pathology and diagnosis.

Finding a good match with a therapist involves a little ground work. Before you make an appointment, ask for a free consultation and interview at least three potential marital therapists. Get a sense of their communication style, training, and therapeutic approach. For therapy to work you will need a good connection with a therapist that has expertise dealing with your concerns. The therapist won’t fix your marriage—you will do the work; however, you need to have confidence your therapist is steering you in the right direction.

Couples that are committed to their marriage, and refuse to consider the option of a failed marriage, have greater success in therapy than couples who consider tossing in the towel when things get difficult. Counseling is most successful when partners are truthful about their thoughts and feelings, so problems are revealed and resolved. Part of the counselor’s work is to help couples communicate in a way conflicts can be resolved instead of rehashed in arguments. Replacing old behaviors and learning new ways of thinking takes both time, and practice. Couples need to allow enough time for change to occur. Couples counseling can’t “save” a marriage when one or both partners has made a firm decision to leave the marriage. While it does not keep the marriage together, it can help the couple end the marriage in the least traumatic way possible.

Problems with mental illness and addiction may respond initially to a different type of treatment, with couples counseling being offered when the mental illness and/or addiction is fairly well managed. Marriage counseling is not an appropriate therapy for physical abuse. For more information on treatment of physical abuse call the San Diego Domestic Violence Hotline @1-888-385-4657 or dial 911.

Marriage counseling has the maximum potential to save your marriage when:

The couple finds a good match with a therapist
The therapist has the training and expertise the couple needs
The couple actively participates in the work of therapy
The couple is committed to the marriage, and failure is not an option
Partners are truthful, and the real problem(s) is in the light
Couples allow enough time for change to occur
Couples learn new behaviors and ways of thinking
Mental illness, addiction, or abuse are an issue
Couples learn to forgive mistakes, and move on
Couples celebrate their progress in working toward a healthy marriage

Be encouraged. Most couples benefit from marriage counseling. The Center for Family Unity offers a free 20 minute consultation for couples that are looking for a marriage therapist. We invite you to schedule a consultation so we can discuss the concerns you have and learn how we can help save your marriage. A healthy marriage is one of life’s greatest blessings.

Top 10 Signs Your Marriage Is Healthy

Your spouse is your number one priority, even if you have children.
Your mate is your best friend.
You trust your mate and have earned your mate’s trust.
You believe divorce is not an option.
You know conflict is inevitable, and look for solutions and compromises in the midst of it.
You encourage your spouse’s individuality and creativity.
You are quick to forgive and to love each other well—flaws and all.
You have agreed upon how finances, careers and parenting will be managed.
You communicate respectfully to each other
You consider marriage one of life’s greatest blessings.

To learn how to strengthen your marriage, contact The Center For Family Unity.

10 Marriage Counseling Tips

Are you planning to start marriage counseling soon? Here are 10 tips to make it more effective:

Start counseling as soon as possible.
Find a counselor who shares your values.
Be honest with your therapist.
Accept responsibility for your choices.
Be willing to change.
Practice the art of compromising.
Set goals.
Do your homework assignments.
Be vulnerable.
Hope the best in your partner.

Marriage counseling can help you save your marriage. To learn more, contact us.

How to Fix Your Marriage

If you are wondering how to fix your marriage, be encouraged! It shows you are aware things need to change in a marriage that just isn’t working anymore. The fact you are looking for a solution to fix your marriage shows you believe (at least to some degree) that it can be fixed. This is an excellent starting point. Good for you for considering your marriage worthwhile enough to find out how to fix it.

You may have tried a number of things to fix the problem and found that nothing seems to work—and the situation has yet to improve. It’s discouraging to clearly see what’s wrong and not have any idea of how to fix your marriage. Often, the longer the situation goes on, the more unbearable it becomes.

Considering Professional Help

You are not alone in reaching this point. Many couples in a troubled marriage find themselves in the same position. The couples that decide to get professional help stand a far better chance of restoring their marriage as opposed to those that forgo professional help. The American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists reports 98% of the couples utilizing services provided by family therapists rated the services from good to excellent, and received the help they needed. In addition, after working with a marriage or family therapist, 93% of patients said they had more effective tools for dealing with their problems.

There is no magic bullet when it comes to fixing a marriage. It took time to create this web of frustration and it will take some time to clear it away. That’s why it’s really important to begin working with a marriage or family therapist as soon as you’re both willing to do so—as you don’t want to wait until one of you is so disheartened that you’ve given up and decided you are unwilling to even try anymore.

Taking the Right Steps

The fix your broken marriage, we encourage you to take a few steps, right now. First, complete the following sentences so that you can really clarify the concerns you have about your marriage. Then, contact us to schedule a free 15 minute consultation so you can see how we can help you with your desire to find out how to fix your marriage.

The biggest problem in my marriage is ____________________________.
I can’t forgive my spouse for____________________________________.
I would love my spouse to _____________________________________.
When we have a conflict ______________________________________.
I need help with _____________________________________________.

The counselors at The Center for Family Unity have extensive training in couples counseling and marital therapy. We have helped countless couples turn their marriages around. It’s your turn.

How to be a Better Spouse in 2015

How To Be A Better Spouse In 2015

Identify one specific behavior you want to change. Just one.
Make a list of small, realistic action steps you can take on a daily basis to change your bigger behavior concern.
Learn the art of positive self-talk so you can shut out negative thoughts.
Don’t give up if you make a mistake—tomorrow is a new day.
Ask a friend or family member to hold you accountable.

Are you ready to change your behaviors and improve your marriage? Contact us to find out how we can help you strengthen your marriage in 2015.

Christian Divorce

Christians Divorce

Are you a Christian considering divorce? Here are 8 things you should do before you see a lawyer:

Mobilize a Christian support team that will pray for you and the restoration of your marriage.
Ask God to show you how to forgive your mate.
Read your wedding vows again.
Ask a Christian with a good marriage to stand with you in fighting for the restoration of your marriage.
Read about the benefits of fasting and if your doctor approves, pray and fast for the healing of your hearts.
Pray daily to be in the center of God’s plan for your life.
Ask God to show you He is in the midst of your pain.
Learn to recognize the difference between God’s leading and worldly temptation.

God is not finished with you, or your marriage. Divorce is not God’s plan. If you want to learn how to restore the love you’ve lost, schedule an appointment at The Center For Family Unity. Call us at 619-884-0601 or visit TheCenterForFamilyUnity.com.

What Does the Bible Say About Divorce?

Are you a Christian who is considering divorce?

Have you fallen out of love with your spouse?

Trapped in an unhappy marriage?

Is the physical attraction gone?

Are you unable to agree on anything?

Is your marriage sexless?

Are the hurts so deep, you cannot forgive them?

Society says these are all justifiable reasons to divorce. Society encourages you believe the pain of divorce is worth the possibility of a better future, where your personal desires are met fully. When you are miserable, the grass always looks greener on the other side and society encourages the belief that divorce is a means of problem solving.

What does the Bible say about divorce?

God declares in Malachi 2:16, “I hate divorce!” Notice as you read this, God does not say He hates the person who divorces their mate. God loves His children, and wants the best for them, even when they go against His plan for their lives. Nowhere in the Bible do we read divorce is permissible because we have fallen out of love, or the physical attraction is gone. It is never His plan for us to divorce because we have nothing in common, or feel we are not getting our needs met. God had a very different plan for marriage. If you have given up hope for your marriage, and see no option but divorce, this may be hard to read.

What does the Bible say about God’s purpose in marriage?

Genesis tells us God created male and female in his image (Gen 1:27). God decided it was not good for man to be alone, and created a suitable helper for him (Gen 2:18). God planned for the man and the woman to marry when He said, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife and they will become one flesh (Gen 2:24).” God had several purposes in mind for this union or marriage. First, he wanted the couple to share companionship and complete each other. They were to mirror His image for the rest of the world, and to nurture their children multiplying a Godly legacy. Is the state of your marriage so far removed from this Biblical description of marriage, there is no evidence you are a believer? Be encouraged. God is not finished with you or your marriage.

What does the Bible say about divorce being OK? Are there exceptions?

The Bible says divorce is permissible in the case of adultery or marital unfaithfulness (Matt 5:31-32). The key word here is that it is permissible. Divorce is an option. There is no command to divorce. Paul wrote divorce was permissible on the grounds of desertion by the unbelieving spouse, who is married to a believer (1 Cor 7:15). Physical, sexual, and mental abuse, that endangers a spouse or child, is punishable by law. Most Christian faiths consider divorce acceptable in the case of abuse and endangerment. Mark 10: 2-12 says, “Therefore, what God has joined together, let no man separate.” It is clear – no Biblical grounds for divorce exist on the basis of incompatibility, poor communication, lack of love, growing apart over time, or the myriad of other reasons justified by society.

If you are Christian considering divorce, make an appointment at The Center for Family Unity. We are experts in helping couples work through and heal from the seemingly unsolvable issues leading couples to consider divorce. We deal daily with the consequences of divorce – the confusion and pain it can bring children when a marriage is destroyed, and the disappointment that follows in realizing divorce wasn’t a solution – it was just a means to trade one set of problems for another set of often more complex problems.

As Christian counselors, we know nothing is impossible for the God that not only created marriage, but also wants to restore your marriage. We can help you learn to forgive, and be set free from pain and bitterness. We will support you as you seek God’s wisdom, healing, and peace, and a fresh beginning.

Be encouraged. God is not finished with you or your marriage. This post was written for you, for this time in your life. “For I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you, and not to harm you. Plans to give you a future, and a hope (Jer 29:11).” Contact us today to schedule your free 20 minute consultation.