Christian Counseling Archives - The Center for Family Unity

Loving Our Kids God’s Way

Family life today is under siege. Families are beset by divorce, confusion in roles, absentee parents, a breakdown of authority, preoccupation with things, inadequate time together, financial pressures, and a host of other problems. The Bible teaches that the institution of family is of divine origin and purpose. The Bible also provides guidelines for good relations within the family. A commitment to the Bible’s teachings and principles provides today’s best hope for the recovery of family life.

The family is the nest from which our children grow and learn to fly.

There is an abundance of truth in the Word of God about what loving our children should look like. There are many good books formulated from biblical perspective but when it comes down to it, the Bible is our manual. How often do we go straight to the source rather than turning to a friend or a self-help book?

Here is what the Bible says about family:

The Family Is Divine in Origin: “Then God said, ‘Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness… So God created man in His own image; He created him in the image of God; He created them male and female” (Genesis 1:26-27).

The Family Is Divine in Purpose: “These words that I am giving you today are to be in your heart. Repeat them to your children. Talk about them when you sit in your house and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.” (Deuteronomy 6:6-7).

Parents must train children: “Teach a youth about the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” (Proverbs 22:6)

Children need loving discipline: “And fathers, don’t stir up anger in your children, but bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:4)

Children need a worthy example: “…clearly recalling your sincere faith that first lived in your grandmother Lois, then in your mother Eunice, and that I am convinced is in you also” (2 Timothy 1:5).

God created the family, and He has divine purposes for it. Following His purposes for marriage and family life gives us the best opportunities for fulfillment.

As women, as wives and moms, the greatest power we have is pray. Pray the word over your home and your family today. Make it a priority and set aside time to pray alone and with your spouse. Today I pray a hedge of protection around you and your family. If you need more guidance through this process reach out to us now! We’re here to help!

The Center For Family Unity [email protected] 619-884-0601

Christian Divorce

Christians Divorce

Are you a Christian considering divorce? Here are 8 things you should do before you see a lawyer:

Mobilize a Christian support team that will pray for you and the restoration of your marriage.
Ask God to show you how to forgive your mate.
Read your wedding vows again.
Ask a Christian with a good marriage to stand with you in fighting for the restoration of your marriage.
Read about the benefits of fasting and if your doctor approves, pray and fast for the healing of your hearts.
Pray daily to be in the center of God’s plan for your life.
Ask God to show you He is in the midst of your pain.
Learn to recognize the difference between God’s leading and worldly temptation.

God is not finished with you, or your marriage. Divorce is not God’s plan. If you want to learn how to restore the love you’ve lost, schedule an appointment at The Center For Family Unity. Call us at 619-884-0601 or visit TheCenterForFamilyUnity.com.

What Does the Bible Say About Divorce?

Are you a Christian who is considering divorce?

Have you fallen out of love with your spouse?

Trapped in an unhappy marriage?

Is the physical attraction gone?

Are you unable to agree on anything?

Is your marriage sexless?

Are the hurts so deep, you cannot forgive them?

Society says these are all justifiable reasons to divorce. Society encourages you believe the pain of divorce is worth the possibility of a better future, where your personal desires are met fully. When you are miserable, the grass always looks greener on the other side and society encourages the belief that divorce is a means of problem solving.

What does the Bible say about divorce?

God declares in Malachi 2:16, “I hate divorce!” Notice as you read this, God does not say He hates the person who divorces their mate. God loves His children, and wants the best for them, even when they go against His plan for their lives. Nowhere in the Bible do we read divorce is permissible because we have fallen out of love, or the physical attraction is gone. It is never His plan for us to divorce because we have nothing in common, or feel we are not getting our needs met. God had a very different plan for marriage. If you have given up hope for your marriage, and see no option but divorce, this may be hard to read.

What does the Bible say about God’s purpose in marriage?

Genesis tells us God created male and female in his image (Gen 1:27). God decided it was not good for man to be alone, and created a suitable helper for him (Gen 2:18). God planned for the man and the woman to marry when He said, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife and they will become one flesh (Gen 2:24).” God had several purposes in mind for this union or marriage. First, he wanted the couple to share companionship and complete each other. They were to mirror His image for the rest of the world, and to nurture their children multiplying a Godly legacy. Is the state of your marriage so far removed from this Biblical description of marriage, there is no evidence you are a believer? Be encouraged. God is not finished with you or your marriage.

What does the Bible say about divorce being OK? Are there exceptions?

The Bible says divorce is permissible in the case of adultery or marital unfaithfulness (Matt 5:31-32). The key word here is that it is permissible. Divorce is an option. There is no command to divorce. Paul wrote divorce was permissible on the grounds of desertion by the unbelieving spouse, who is married to a believer (1 Cor 7:15). Physical, sexual, and mental abuse, that endangers a spouse or child, is punishable by law. Most Christian faiths consider divorce acceptable in the case of abuse and endangerment. Mark 10: 2-12 says, “Therefore, what God has joined together, let no man separate.” It is clear – no Biblical grounds for divorce exist on the basis of incompatibility, poor communication, lack of love, growing apart over time, or the myriad of other reasons justified by society.

If you are Christian considering divorce, make an appointment at The Center for Family Unity. We are experts in helping couples work through and heal from the seemingly unsolvable issues leading couples to consider divorce. We deal daily with the consequences of divorce – the confusion and pain it can bring children when a marriage is destroyed, and the disappointment that follows in realizing divorce wasn’t a solution – it was just a means to trade one set of problems for another set of often more complex problems.

As Christian counselors, we know nothing is impossible for the God that not only created marriage, but also wants to restore your marriage. We can help you learn to forgive, and be set free from pain and bitterness. We will support you as you seek God’s wisdom, healing, and peace, and a fresh beginning.

Be encouraged. God is not finished with you or your marriage. This post was written for you, for this time in your life. “For I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you, and not to harm you. Plans to give you a future, and a hope (Jer 29:11).” Contact us today to schedule your free 20 minute consultation.

Holiday Grieving After The Death of a Spouse

With the holiday season just around the corner it seems everyone is beginning to make plans. Families travel to and fro to celebrate age-old traditions together. It’s a time of great joy for some, and often a time of great sorrow for new widows, like Mary.

This would be the first holiday season after Frank’s passing, and Mary had no idea where or how she would celebrate the holidays without him. Frank and Mary had always been the “glue” that held their family together. Every Thanksgiving, their four kids and eleven grandchildren, along with an assortment of folks with no other place to celebrate, would gather at their home for a traditional turkey dinner and an evening centered around board games and story telling. It was an evening family and friends looked forward to all year long.

The Christmas tradition was even sweeter. Every Christmas Eve the whole family would meet at church for the midnight candlelight service. On Christmas day, Frank would dress up in a Santa Claus suit and distribute gifts to all of the grandkids. And at the tail end of the night, Frank would always give Mary her surprise gift—something that was always inscribed with “Frank + Mary.” Married for 45 years, Mary could not bear the thought of celebrating the holidays without Frank. The thought of celebrating without him seemed unbearable.

Grieving is hard work. Each holiday has traditions unique to a couple. The first year after the loss of a mate, it helps the grief process if the family takes time in advance to plan how the holidays will be celebrated. These plans help the family grieve well, so the work of grief is completed in approximately one year. The goal is not to avoid or interrupt grief, but to walk through it, in order that one can experience joy in the years that lie ahead.

For some, setting a formal place at the dinner table for the departed will be healing. For others, it will be important to just acknowledge the pain associated with the loss and to give themselves permission to just spend a quiet day alone, knowing there will be more holidays in the future when old traditions can be revisited and new traditions can be created.

This holiday season, if you or a loved one is struggling to cope with the grief that follows the loss of a spouse, The Center For Family Unity can help. We’ll provide a safe place for your explore your feelings, heal your heart and bring joy back to the holiday season. To set an appointment, call us at 619-884-0601.

The Truth about Forgiveness

Do you ever feel like a failure in your faith when you think about how much you struggle with forgiveness? The Bible teaches us that Jesus died to forgive our sins and that we should forgive others just as He has forgiven us. However, that’s often easier said than done. Forgiving is hard—especially when the offender has failed to apologize or the pain they caused runs deep. Hosea 4:6 says “My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge.” Let’s examine the truth about forgiveness.

First let’s look at what scripture says about forgiveness. We are to forgive 70 x 7 (Matt.18:21-35), and be quick about it, not letting the sun go down on our anger (Eph. 4:26). The message is clear. God intends for us to sleep well, and never spend a night tossing and turning in anger as we relive past hurts. God knows clinging to those old hurts is harmful to our body which He calls a temple. He also gave us the Lord’s Prayer as a model (Luke 11). Every time we say it, we ask that God will forgive us, the very same way we forgive others. What a scary thought! What a good reason to learn how to forgive others.

Now let’s look at what scripture does not say about forgiveness

Scripture does not say:

That forgiving a person means what they did was right
That forgiving a person means they won
That forgiving a person requires them to apologize first or ask for forgiveness
That forgiving a person minimizes the hurt they caused, or the gravity of the sin
That the person must understand how they hurt you before they are forgiven
That the person must be worthy of your forgiveness
That we are commanded to trust or reconcile with the individual that hurt us. Trust is earned over the course of time, with the currency of trustworthy behavior.

One of Satan’s favorite weapons is convincing believers they cannot or should not forgive, because their hurt is too deep. This gives the evil one a foothold, in which he creates turmoil by replaying painful memories. This thought is a half-truth like so many of Satan’s lies. The truth is without God’s help, we are not good at forgiving others.

Just as it can be hard to forgive others, it can also be difficult to look at serious mistakes made in our own lives. People that have difficulty forgiving others, often have difficulty forgiving themselves, and accepting God’s forgiveness even with His promise to forgive us when we confess.

Forgiveness is a decision… an action we take to be in obedience to God’s plan for our lives. When we forgive, we release the individual that hurt us from any obligation. We abandon thoughts of vengeance, and leave that to the Lord. At that precise moment we are freed from the shackles of bitterness that bound us to the unrealistic hope of a better past, and we enter God’s peace in the present.

If you are struggling with the inability to forgive others or yourself, The Center for Family Unity can help you learn the truth of God’s word to live victoriously in Jesus Christ. Please get in touch with us so we can help you begin your healing journey.

Top 10 Things Your Children Need from You

As much as we might wish for a parenting manual, with exact instructions based on proven scientific methodology that will guarantee you’ll never need family counseling, the truth is that parenting is more art than science. And there are no guarantees; However, here are 10 basic “art tools” to help children thrive:

1. Safety. They don’t need over-protecting, but for you to be carefully aware of situations, surroundings and people that could potentially bring them harm.

2. Nourishment. Educate yourself as to what is truly nourishing and provide that to your children. Everything can be made yummy! And if you need help providing food, seek assistance from government and community services.

3. Time to play. This is critical for healthy children. It’s where they process all they see and experience. Unfortunately, many schools across the nation are cutting playtime, and adults are doing the same thing at home.

4. Love. You never have to be perfect as a parent. Show your love, speak your love and its beam will shine through any and all parenting missteps. Share with them God’s agape love, unconditional, never ending.

5. Opportunities to struggle. If we protect our children from struggle, from failure, we are handicapping them for the adult world. Oftentimes the biggest, most profound life learning comes from facing challenges.

6. Honesty. Our kids usually know when we’re lying. They just do. They may not know the specifics of the deception, but they know by the feelings they pick up that we are not being truthful. It’s deeply confusing to them. They need our truth (in age-appropriate ways).

7. Support. Kids who have to fend for themselves all the time, or practically raise themselves, may learn they can never depend on or trust another. That’s a sad way to live.

8. Positive modeling. They’re looking to US to see how to be. One of the best things you can do for your children is to work on your own personal growth so that you can be the best model for your kid(s).

9. Your belief in them. Knowing that you believe in them, in their innate goodness and abilities, helps create strong self-esteem. Teach them about how much God believes in them.

10. Time together. Being in your presence is like balm for children. Focus on them some of the time and on your activities some of time. They soak up a lot of sustenance just from being around you.

Integrating these “art tools” into your busy life may be easier than you think—especially when you’ve got the support of a family counselor. If you need help now, consider booking a free 20 minute consultation with us by calling 619.884.0601 or visiting https://www.thecenterforfamilyunity.com/schedule-consultation/.

5 Ways to Show Your Children You are Listening to Them

The Importance of Play in Our Lives

If it feels like you have less leisure time and fewer unstructured “play” hours in your life, you’re not alone. Consider these statistics:

The average married couple works 26 percent longer each year than similar working couples did thirty years ago.
Leisure time among children ages 12 and under has declined from 40 percent of a child’s day in 1981 to 25 percent of a child’s day in 1997. No wonder the demand for children’s counseling is so high! These same kids are growing to be the one in four American adults that report no leisure-time physical activity—at all!
A landmark Surgeon General’s Report identified lack of physical activity, including during leisure, as a serious health threat in the U.S.

The late A. Bartlett Giamatti, former president of Yale University and one-time commissioner of Major League Baseball said, “You can learn more about a society by observing the way they play as opposed to how they work.”

Our high tech life with its accelerated pace has fostered a culture that seems to be always working, always rushed, always connected. With cell phones interrupting the theater, laptop computers at the beach, internet connections at every other café, and home offices that beckon us all hours of the night and day, it’s hard to separate “play” from “work.” Yet to maintain balance in our lives, and for our ultimate well-being, play is important. Lenore Terr, a psychiatrist at the University of California, San Francisco, and author of Beyond Love and Work: Why Adults Need to Play, argues that play is crucial at every stage of life. In play, we discover pleasure, cultivate feelings of accomplishment, and acquire a sense of belonging. When we play, we learn and mature and find an outlet for stress. “Play is a lost key,” Terr writes. “It unlocks the door to ourselves.”

When we are completely involved in play our cares and worries disappear. Sailing, playing a game of tennis, or being thoroughly engrossed in a good novel, we feel pleasurably alive and light-hearted. There is nothing like play that allows us to be present in the moment.

If you feel like you and your kids don’t have enough play time in your life (and who doesn’t), try these suggestions:

Turn-off. Turn off the television, computer and cell phone for at least two hours a day.

Let your mind wander. Recall what you used to enjoy doing or what you always wanted to do before we became so technology-oriented.

Include others. Invite someone over to play, just like you used to when you were a kid. Nothing planned, nothing structured. Let your play evolve naturally.

Think physical. Go for a walk, ride your bike, rent some skates, break out the croquet set from the basement, go for a swim or a run.

Pretend. Pretend you don’t have any cares or worries. Pretend you have all the time in the world to laugh and play and enjoy. Pretend there is no moment other than this.

In almost all cases, the topic of “play” is addressed at some point during children’s counseling, family counseling and even marriage counseling at The Center For Family Unity. It’s just that important.

Any time you have the choice of whether to work “just one more hour” or give yourself over to play, consider what Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “This time, like all times, is a very good one, if we but know what to do with it.” If you need help learning how to let go and work more time for play into your busy life, consider contacting The Center for Family Unity for support at 619-884-0601.

Category: Christian Counseling