Tanya felt like she couldn’t breathe when John told her he’d been having an affair. She was shocked, sad, and angry—all at the same time. The details of the affair exploded like a mine field in the deepest part of her heart. John couldn’t get the words out fast enough—telling her how keeping the affair a secret had eaten away at him—and how the guilt kept him up at night. He promised her it was over, and that the other woman meant nothing to him. He wanted to unburden himself and clear his conscious. He said he couldn’t carry the guilt for even one more day. John begged Tanya to forgive him, telling her he desperately wished it had never happened. Tanya could do nothing other than stare at him—in shock and disbelief.
When an affair is revealed, spouses are in very different places emotionally. The person confessing is often anxious to put an end to the guilt they have been carrying. Confessing often gives them a sense of relief and a belief the guilt will subside. There may be truth to them saying the affair is over and that it meant nothing to them. In the course of confessing, they will likely desperately beg for forgiveness and the opportunity to rebuild their marriage.
The spouse that has been betrayed often struggles to process the details of the affair—it’s too much, too fast. It is heart-crushing to learn the person you trusted most in your life has betrayed you. There is a long list of questions. Who was the other lover? When did it start? Why did it start? How could this happen? It’s deeply confusing— especially for those that believed they were happily married. You may love your spouse deeply. In fact, you may have darling children, even another on the way when you receive this devastating news. What now?
Can Your Marriage Be Saved?
It is possible for your marriage to be saved, when both of you are committed to the hard work of repairing what has been broken. There needs to be an understanding of what led to the decision to have an affair to begin with and the realization of the depth of destruction the affair has caused. The ability to forgive will be central to the healing of both parties. Forgiveness of the affair may not restore trust—as trust is earned with the currency of trustworthy behavior over time. You may choose, as a couple, to work diligently to save your marriage, or one of you may want to fight for the marriage when the other wants to give up. Some may choose to save the marriage for the sake of the children, finances, or simply because they vowed, “until death do us part.”
Regardless of your circumstances, the counselors at The Center for Family Unity can provide support in working through the painful aftermath that follows the confession of an affair, and the decisions that follow. If you would like to learn to forgive the seemingly unforgivable, read our blog post The Truth About Forgiveness and schedule an appointment with our affair repair therapists.