Step Parents: Are You Too Busy?

Take This Quiz to Find Out

1. Are you constantly trying to catch up?
2. Do you agree to handle “urgent” to-do’s that your step family dumps on you at the last minute?
3. Are you always tired and exhausted from running without a break?
4. Do you resent your family for expecting so much and supporting you so little?
5. Do you fill days off with activities so you’re unable to rest and rejuvenate?
6. Are you allowing your step children to “guilt you” into dropping your schedule for theirs?
7. Is it difficult to make time for “self-care” activities like exercise, relaxing or hobbies?
8. Do you rarely find the time to do the things you really love?
9. Do you respond to interruptions from your step family and all them to take you off track?
10. Are other people complaining your schedule doesn’t allow enough time for them?

If this sounds all too familiar, you may have difficulty managing your time and emotions. The Center For Family Unity can help. Contact us for a free 20 minute step family session.

10 Ways to Love Fearlessly in Your Step Family 

1. Be yourself. If you want to be loved for who you truly are, stop the show.
2. Don’t believe your stories. Your interpretations and perceptions do not always reflect the truth. Focus on what IS.
3. Stay open. Fear shuts us down. Vulnerability creates authentic connections.
4. Speak up. Don’t be silent when you desperately want to connect.
5. Stop looking for perfection. “High standards” are a mask for our own feelings of inadequacy.
6. Embrace the messiness. It gives us the gift of growth.
7. Learn to express emotions. Learn how to express anger responsibly.
8. Love with no thought of what you’ll get in return. This is fearless love in action.
9. Take responsibility. Be accountable for your own emotions, thoughts and actions.
10. Love yourself. Only then can you love others and be loved.

Love is messy. To learn how to approach it with the courage of a warrior, so you can have relationships of heroic proportions, contact us.

Kristen’s kids – ages 7, 9, and 11 – were driving her nuts with their constant bickering. She had a work deadline she had to meet, and every few minutes one of her kids was in her home office, complaining about what the other was doing. Kristen often told the kids to “knock it off;” however, that only stopped the racket for a few minutes.  Even if they weren’t in the same room, the loud arguments and constant interruptions made it next to impossible for Kristen to focus on meeting her deadline.

Kristen was tired—tired of the bickering and tired of the interruptions. She found herself counting the minutes until her husband got home because his arrival allowed for her departure—to her office outside of their home. She needed uninterrupted time to finish her project and couldn’t play referee any longer. It was exhausting constantly ordering the kids to stop fighting, implementing consequences and facilitating forgiveness. She just needed to get away.

Why Kids Tattle

Kristen’s not alone. Her complaint is one of the most common complaints mothers share.  Fortunately for all weary moms, much has been learned about bickering and sibling rivalry that can change the situation. Kids often involve parents in their battles, in part because they want time with their parents. Sometimes they do so because they want their sibling to be punished.  While it may seem like jumping in to settle an argument is the best way to end it, parental involvement often drags the process on and robs children of learning conflict resolution skills.

Six Steps to Silencing Sibling Rivalry

1. Tell your kids you have quit your job as referee and that means they will have to settle their own arguments moving forward.
2. Identify an “argument room” in your home—preferably in a room that’s far away from you.
3. The next time they bicker and argue:

• Lead them to the “argument room.”
• Insist they may not leave the “argument room” until the argument is over.
• LEAVE THE ARGUMENT ROOM IMMEDIATELY so the kids don’t have an This step alone often ends the arguments. Arguing without an audience is…boring.
• Avoid insisting they apologize and hug when the argument is over.
• Let them develop the skill to end an argument without your intervention.

4. Set aside 15 minutes of alone time with each child each day. Be faithful.
5. Establish rules for healthy disagreements and post them in the argument room.

• No hitting
• No screaming
• No use of foul language
• No verbal assaults
• No destruction of personal property

6. Inform kids the “Tattle Tale Office” is permanently closed. Explain you no longer take tattle tale reports. Have the kids make a sign for the office that says “closed,” and post the sign. Explain if any of them come to tattle in the future, all of them, regardless of if they are guilty or innocent will be disciplined.

Know in advance kids will test these changes; they’re used to your involvement and will try to make it so you remain involved.  Give them your very best response as a parent.  Stay out of their way and allow them to learn how to resolve conflict without you. They will need the skill as adults.

Are the tattletales exhausting you? Family therapists at The Center for Family Unity specialize in counseling children. We can assist you in developing a plan that restores your home to the sanctuary it was designed to be.  For a free 20 minute teletherapy session, contact us online, or call us at 619-884-0601.

How To Establish Expectations In A Blended Family

1. Start the process before you share a home.
   1. This provides time to make changes as you learn.
2. Identify the behaviors you now consider non negotiable.
   1. Discuss expectations as a couple, first.
   2. Then invite the children into the conversation.
      1. Be sure everyone is well rested and stress free before you begin.

• Discuss expectations with your ex-spouse.
  1. Children feel secure when the rules don’t change from house to house.
  2. Agree on bed time, homework expectations, allowance, etc.
  3. Post the expectations in both homes

To learn more proven strategies to set your blended family up for success, contact us.

As children grow and mature, they develop a sense of devotion and attachment to their parents. This attachment is also known as loyalty. When parents’ divorce and a stepparent is introduced into the family, loyalty conflicts can arise. Although it is not unusual for loyalty conflicts to arise, they can still be quite difficult. Luckily, there are steps you can take to try and avoid these conflicts.

A biological parent may feel guilt over the divorce which can result in permissive parenting and may cause loyalty conflicts within the new stepfamily household.

Loyalty conflicts within the new stepfamily household can arise when the biological parent feels guilty over divorce or separation from their child’s other parent. If this is the case, it is important to avoid a permissive parenting style, or allowing the child to do as they please out of guilt. Your child needs solid structure and clear rules and guidance in the new stepfamily situation more than ever, and it is important for the biological parent to show a united front with the stepparent. Remain committed to upholding household rules. A biological parent siding with the child against the stepparent can create an “us against them” attitude, and can make the stepparent feel alienated and undervalued. To avoid this type of loyalty conflict, make sure both the biological parent and the stepparent work together to openly discuss their expectations surrounding rules, consequences, and parenting roles. Have this discussion ahead of time, so you will be well prepared to handle a difficult situation when it arises, and will be able to support each other.

A child may feel a loyalty conflict between both of their parents and the separate households.

Working with your ex-spouse may be difficult, and communication between the two of you not always civil, but it is vital that you avoid involving your children in your battles. When children are caught in the middle, they feel guilty, feel pressured, or feel rejected. This in turn creates loyalty conflicts. To avoid these conflicts, communicate directly and do not use your child as a “messenger.” Don’t grill children for information about what is going on in your ex-spouse’s life. Also, don’t ask your children to keep secrets from their other parent, and try not to argue in front of them. Your child is a combination of both of you, and criticizing or insulting your ex-spouse in front of your child is an indirect insult to them. In time, your child will have a greater respect for you if you make an effort to avoid loyalty conflicts. It is also important for your child to maintain a relationship with the other parent unless that relationship could put them in danger. Encourage the relationship between your child, their other parent, and the extended family. During this difficult time, your child will benefit from having many sources of support. If your ex-partner or spouse remarries, support your child’s relationship with this new stepparent, so that they don’t feel they are being disloyal to you.

A child may feel they are being disloyal to their biological parent when showing affection toward a stepparent.

Loyalty conflicts can also occur for your child between the new stepparent and the child’s other parent. Your child may feel guilty about developing a bond or relationship with your new partner. They may feel this is being “disloyal” to their other parent. Sadly, the other parent may even be reinforcing this idea. In your household, you can let your child know you recognize they may feel this way and encourage the child to think about a relationship with the new stepparent as an opportunity to have another caring adult in their life – not a replacement for the other parent.

For the child’s sake, it is very important for all the involved adults to openly support the child’s connection to the other parent and stepparent(s) in the family system. Remember, though, to be patient and not push the child. Building relationships takes time and for many older stepchildren, the stepparent becomes more of a trusted adult in their life, rather than a parent.

To learn more about how to avoid loyalty conflicts in your family, contact The Center For Family Unity at 619.884.0601.