Category: Family Counseling

From the second they arrive on the planet, just inches long and utterly dependent, our children occupy a place in our hearts deeper than most any other relationship.

We nurture, guide, feed and protect them for years. The relationship brings us a complex mixture of joy, frustration, sadness, delight, anger, pride and love. Our children occupy our focus like nothing else, as they grow taller and more independent with every year.

And then they go away.

Of course, we knew that from the beginning. And that’s been the goal all along.

But that doesn’t make an empty nest any easier when it finally comes.

Fortunately, an empty nest is also the beginning of another era for parents, one that can be equally fulfilling.

Varied Reactions to the Empty Nest

Several recent studies have shed light on what’s often referred to as “empty nest syndrome“—that is, the feelings of grief that arise when children leave home for college, jobs or marriage. Here are a few of their findings:

Feelings of loss are not exclusive to women. Men feel just as much loss and may actually be less emotionally prepared to deal with those feelings.

Most women don’t fall apart. Unlike the common perception, it’s not typical for most women to experience lingering depression, or loss of purpose and identity. Though they experienced sadness, mothers in a 2008 University of Missouri study spoke more about their pride and joy in watching their kids make this transition and the relief they felt in seeing the fruits of their labor realized.

Happier partnerships. Contrary to the image of couples having trouble after the kids are gone, empty nesters of both genders reported their marital satisfaction was improved because they spent more quality time together.

Some Parents Suffer

Not everyone cries for a week and then moves on with life. Some parents really suffer.

Carin Rubenstein, PhD, author of Beyond the Mommy Years: How to Live Happily Ever After…After the Kids Leave Home, says that about 10% of mothers are more severely affected when their children leave home, and the problem may be more long-term.

Research suggests that those who experience the most long-term pain have these things in common:

• They consider change stressful and to be avoided.

• Their marriage is rocky.

• They worry that their children aren’t ready for adult responsibilities.

• They have a weaker sense of self-worth; their identity is tied to being a parent.

• Their own experience of moving away from their parents was difficult.

• Other “letting go“ times, such as weaning or sending children to school, were painful.

• They are full-time parents, with no other paid employment or self-employment.

How to Get Through It

If you are having severe reactions, such as crying excessively, feeling so sad you don’t want to see friends or go to work, or feeling as though your useful life has ended), consider seeking professional help at the Center for Family Unity.

For most parents, the following suggestions will help you get through the transition:

Feel your feelings. But don’t burden your children with them. Once they’ve left, ration your calls to once or twice a week. Try texting. The more they feel you clinging, the more they’ll pull away.

Get support. If you’re going through menopause, or having to care for elderly parents, your feelings may be exacerbated. Speak with a physician if you’re experiencing difficult menopausal symptoms, and consider ways to take a break from your caregiving to take care of YOU.

Be proactive. As much as possible, make family plans while everyone is still under the same roof. Plan family vacations, take time off from work for special days, and take advantage of all opportunities to talk with your child.

Dream and do. Use your greater freedom and relaxed responsibility to get back in touch with your own dreams and aspirations. Make a list of all the hobbies you’d like to pursue, or classes you’d like to take. Spend time that you didn’t have before developing new friendships. Dive into that new business or career that you’ve been dreaming about.

Above all, forgive yourself for not being a “perfect“ parent, and acknowledge all that you’ve been able to provide for your children. Focus on letting go and trusting that your child is on his or her path—bumps and all—and will be fine. And you will be, too.

All relationships have their complications, but step-families create a web of relationships and inter-relationships that make the average spider’s overnight spinning look simple in comparison.

Consider these possible variations: the woman may be wife, ex-wife, mother and step-mother. Her relationships might include her husband, her ex-husband, her children and her step-children, and her step-children’s mother who is her new husband’s ex-wife. If her ex-husband has remarried, then her relationship circle also includes his wife who is now her children’s step-mother. And, his new wife might have children of her own.

Change the genders and the man/husband/father’s roles are just as complex.

Now consider the children. Parents, step-parents, step-siblings.  And we haven’t even talked about extended family — aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins. Considering that each individual relationship comes with its own set of potholes, it isn’t any wonder that the blended family might be in for a bumpy ride.

• Feelings of loss, grief, guilt, anger, jealousy, loyalty conflicts, resentments, hurt, betrayal, rejection — these are just a few of the feelings family members may experience. Parents who are undergoing the stress and tension of divorce and remarriage may have less time and stamina to deal with their own feelings let alone the children’s emotional turmoil.

•  New and different ways of doing things. When a family is forming, the members have no shared family histories or shared ways of doing things. From the way the table is set and how the holidays are celebrated to discipline and chores — everything must sorted out, discussed, and agreed upon.

•  Roles and responsibilities change and expectations run high. The mother of one may suddenly become the stepmother of three. The youngest child may no longer be the baby and the oldest may lose her position, too. Time and space need to be reckoned with. Parents may expect their new spouse to love their children immediately and for all the children to become instant best friends.

The difficulties facing a blended family may be many, but where there are challenges there are also opportunities. To build strong bonds within your blended family, we suggest you intentionally:

•  Acknowledge the river of feelings and encourage expression.

•  Allow time for dealing with the issues these feelings raise and time for mourning losses.

•  Be open to new ways of doing things. Be flexible. Whenever possible include everyone in the decision-making process.

•  Communicate. Talk and listen.

•  Maintain and nurture original parent-child relationships.

•  Support and include one another. Plan time for family activities.

•  Encourage friendships; let relationships develop in their own time.

•  Maintain a sense of humor and play.

• Ask for help from other family members, support groups, community-based programs, clergy, and your therapist.

Those who plan ahead and communicate about potential problems, face issues as they arise, support one another and seek help when it is needed, build strong bonds. And those bonds are the foundation that supports every healthy and loving family.

The holidays are a time of “more.” More parties. More social gatherings. More celebrations. And more drinking. Many of the usual drinking rules are relaxed during the holiday season. For example, drinking in the daytime becomes acceptable, even at the office.  As a result, more drinking and driving occurs during the holidays than any other time of the year.

Here are some warning signs to watch for if you think someone you love may have a drinking problem:

• Drinking early in the day.

• Excessive drinking (drinking every day or every few days, or drinking increased quantities).

• Continuing to drink when they’ve “had enough.”

• Denying they’ve “had enough.”

• Urging others to “have one more” when they’ve said “no thanks.”

• Including alcohol in every activity.

• Always making sure there’s “enough” alcohol (buying excess liquor for gatherings).

• Refusing to discuss it when someone expresses concern about their drinking.

The most common symptom of alcoholism is denial that there’s a problem. And yet, the first step in recovery is admitting there might be a problem.

20 questions to ask someone that you suspect has a drinking problem:

1.  Do you lose time from work due to your drinking?

2. Is drinking making your home life unhappy?

3. Do you drink because you are shy with other people?

4. Is drinking affecting your reputation?

5. Have you ever felt remorse after drinking?

6. Have you gotten into financial difficulties as a result of your drinking?

7. Do you turn to lower companions and an inferior environment when drinking?

8. Does your drinking make you careless of your family’s welfare?

9. Has your ambition decreased since drinking?

10. Do you crave a drink at a definite time daily?

11. Do you want a drink the next morning?

12. Does drinking cause you to have difficulty in sleeping?

13. Has your efficiency decreased since drinking?

14. Is drinking jeopardizing your job or business?

15. Do you drink to escape from worries or troubles?

16. Do you drink alone?

17. Have you ever had a complete loss of memory as a result of your drinking?

18. Has your physician ever treated you for drinking?

19. Do you drink to build up your self-confidence?

20. Have you ever been in a hospital or institution on account of drinking?

If the answer to three or more of these questions was “yes,” there may indeed be a drinking problem that needs to be addressed.

Alcoholism is a family disease. That means it affects not just the person who drinks, but everyone in the family—they’re called co-alcoholics, and they may need help as much as the alcoholic.

If alcohol  is causing a problem in your life during the holidays and you’d like to talk about it, we invite you to call us and begin your healing journey.

With hardly any thought at all, you can probably say whether, in your family of origin, you played the role of the responsible one or the rebel, the people pleaser or the mascot. Roles serve an organizing function. In a family, roles sort out each person’s relationship to the group. While there’s nothing inherently wrong with roles, they become a problem when they’re rigid and shape poor choices as a teenager or adult.

Roles are especially harmful in families where abuse and/or addiction occur. They become a vain attempt to control a situation that is chaotic and frightening. Also, as John Bradshaw explains in On the Family, roles function to project the image of the happy family, preserving denial that anything is wrong.

Based on the work of Virginia Satir, Claudia Black and Sharon Wegscheider, below are the common roles that children play in the family, as well as that role’s impact on adult life.

The Hero

The hero is the responsible one. She/He gets good grades in school, is goal oriented and self-disciplined. From the outside, they appear on top of their game. Internally, however, the hero bears the burden of making the family look good. They also believe that if they are perfect enough, the family problems will go away.

Work: As an adult, the hero is often successful, reaching for excellence in their occupation. The trouble is, “excellent” is never good enough. If they are not at the top, they are nowhere.

Relationships: Whether as breadwinner or head of the household, the hero will take charge, needing to lead and be in control. This can create discord or inequality in relationship.

Self-esteem: Although a leader, the hero still relies upon the approval of others for their own self-worth. To be healthy, they need to realize that they don’t have to prove their worthiness and that life can be joyful regardless of achievement.

The Placater or People Pleaser

The placater tries to ease and prevent any trouble in the family. He/she is caring, compassionate, and sensitive. People pleasers deny their own needs, are anxious and hypervigilant.

Work: The placater will find themselves care-taking and facilitating in their work environment. They may be drawn to service occupations; however, in order to truly help others, they must face their need to please.

Relationships: The placater believes that if they take care of their partner that person will never leave. They may lose themselves in their partner’s needs, becoming more caregiver than equal.

Self-esteem: The people pleaser often feels that they have no value except for what they can do or be for another person. To be healthy, the placater needs to find their own value within.

The Scapegoat or Rebel

The scapegoat is the family member who is blamed for the trouble in the family. S/he acts out his/her anger at any family dysfunction and rebels by drawing negative attention to him/herself. While s/he is more in touch with his/her feelings than the other roles and is often creative, in school s/he gets poor grades and is often in trouble.

Work: No one expects much of the scapegoat and, too often, s/he agrees, choosing jobs that are beneath his/her abilities.

Relationships: The scapegoat will be drawn to friends and relationships that are certain to meet with parental disapproval. This will please him/her, despite the fact that his/her family may be right.

Self-esteem: While the scapegoat rebels against the family, rebels also internalize their poor opinion of themselves and thus fails to acknowledge their talents. S/he is a screw-up, s/he will say, proudly. To be healthy, s/he needs to realize that s/he’s much more than that.

Other Family Roles

The Mascot is the class clown with the uncanny ability to relieve stress and pain for others. But there’s something missing that s/he won’t find until s/he looks beneath the humor façade and faces his/her own pain.

The Lost Child is quiet, withdrawn, lonely, and depressed. S/he doesn’t draw attention to him/herself because s/he doesn’t want to be a burden. However, what s/he wants most is to be seen and loved, and to be healthy, s/he must allow herself to be visible.

Roles may have shaped our childhood but they need not keep us in chains. Acknowledging the gifts and detriments of the role or roles that you played as a child can help you honor yourself, as well as help you make wise choices as an adult.

Understanding your family of origin role and how it plays into your adult life can be a break through in awareness of how you continue to play your role today. If you are a parent, you can also begin to discern the roles your children are playing in the family and help them to make changes in how they interact with others at an earlier age.

Imagine the possibilities of family counseling in San Diego at The Center for Family Unity.

Implementing Change and Avoiding Chaos – Discovering Your Parenting Style

“Sit down! Stop it! Go to your room.”

“Honey, you are acting a little harsh and mean.”

“Noooooooo! I won’t do it!”

How can you change the atmosphere in your home and avoid the chaos that stems from the differing parenting styles of biological parents and stepparents?

First, it’s important to understand the parenting styles of those involved in disciplining and interacting with your children. When seeking to learn how to make changes, a trusted family counseling center in San Diego is important.There are five steps:

1. We determine what your parenting style is and how it affects your children.
   1. Your parenting style is influenced by your beliefs. Your beliefs come from many important areas:
      1. Traditions:  You are strongly influenced by the culture you live and are raised in. The customs you practiced as a child in your family will either mesh with or collide with those practiced by your partner. When your ex remarries, you may have no control over the traditions that will be placed upon your children.
      2. Spiritual beliefs: Your spiritual beliefs also strongly influence how you raise your children. How we treat each other, where we practice our spiritual beliefs, how much time we spend in church, temple or synagogue along with the way our spirituality affects:
         1. Functional Beliefs
         2. Privileges
         3. Social Engagements
         4. Morals
2. We identify what needs to change, explore what your boundaries are and how your boundaries affect your parenting as well as other relationships in your life.
   1. Boundaries are where you end and someone else begins. They communicate what you will and will not do.
      1. Your boundaries may sound something like this:
         1. “Yes I will budget some money so you can participate in soccer.”
         2. “No, I can’t take time away from attending church to drive you across town.”
3. We teach you how to implement change and develop rules.
   1. We all dislike some rules. What is your attitude about rules and how does this rub off on your children?
      1. Teaching them that rules are actually for their benefit helps children feel safe as rules are like a study fence that keeps the good in and the bad out.
         1. We can explore six steps that will lead you to making changes:
            1. set the change and arrange a meeting with your family
            2. share your concerns
            3. meet to discuss specifics
            4. meet to present the rules
            5. meet to present the consequences for each rule
            6. make it happen
4. We help you develop a belief system for discipline, exploring why it’s so important and how to avoid multiple set of rules that confuse your children.
   1. By making rules current and relevant, you will help foster a closer, more collaborative relationship with your kids.
      1. Authoritative, controlling, and permissive are three of the most prevalent parenting styles that simply do not work any longer in our culture.  Perhaps you have noticed signs of all three in your own habits.  On the other hand, maybe you have gained some good tips on avoiding them altogether.
         1. Remember, no matter what culture we live in, kids need to be parented with unconditional love.  Your love is not a reward for their good grades, staying out of trouble, helping around the house, or making the all-star team.
         2. With your words and actions, express to your kids there is nothing they could do to make you love them more, and nothing they could do to make you love them less.
         3. If you parent with liberal amounts of love and grace, you will not have to worry about this new culture turning your kids astray
5. Finally, we explore how to develop rules, establish consequences and why consequences are necessary.

Parenting today is a complicated endeavor and you need support! Let us be the trusted and experienced support you need and deserve.

Creating and living by your own rules and values Even when your Ex Doesn’t Respect Yours

One of the reasons you divorced could have been a drastic difference in beliefs and values.  The differences you had in marriage will continue to be a thorn in the flesh unless you quickly learn how to separate yourself, your children, and your new spouse from your exes and theirs.

Begin thinking about the relationship with your ex as an entirely new one. The old must past and the new begin.  The past that you had as a couple no longer exists.  Seeking counseling and support will help you grieve what was and move on to what is. This new life centers around your children and how you can raise them in the most healing and supportive manner possible.

It all begins with your mindset and prayer. Before you communicate with your ex, think of the higher purpose involved in your children and their well-being.   If you and your ex can communicate, then try to establish guidelines that are similar in each household. Rules around homework issues, curfew, and off limit activities should be followed in both households as much as possible.

But what if you can’t communicate with your ex.?

Unfortunately, past pain and differences can keep parents from setting self aside and moving on.  Every intimate relationship has three stages, romance, the power struggle, and finally the partnership. Most couples get stuck in the power struggle and divorce while staying stuck in that stage. This is carried on into the divorced relationship and the fall out is on the kids.

But…he, but… she….

The word but divides, the word and connects. If you say, I want to be able to co-parent with my ex but…that but negates what you just said. It blames and divides. If you say I want to be able to co-parent with my ex and I am willing to…..now you have a connecting starting point.

Now is time to learn how to forgive, love and resolve conflict.

Be imitators of Christ, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. Ephesians 5:1, 2

As Christians, we know that life is about love.  Forgiving and allowing your emotional wounds to be healed are essential for moving on to greater freedom and happiness.

God calls us to a higher calling and the relationship you are able to cultivate with your ex is worth the time and effort.  Why? Because it affects the most important things you will leave behind on this earth, your children.

For more information about how to learn to forgive, love, resolve conflict and create rules that work; contact The Center for Family Unity for upcoming free informative workshops.

How does family disunity (lack of unity caused by disagreement or a difference of
opinion) affect your business profitability?

Our homes should be our refuge, however when there is fighting and tension it is
anything but. When we work from home it can be hard to separate the tension from your
business success and motivation.

How can you have a “get er done” attitude when the tension lingers all around you, even
when no one is home. It’s like a black cloud following you around making it difficult to
shift into your business self.

Family Unity is the key to your sense of well being not only as a successful business
person but also as a wife and mother. Women of today have so many roles, many layers
of self which all interconnect. Women are connectors, relaters, and the glue that holds the
family together. But even super glue loses it bond and needs other pieces to join with it
for support. Even if you are not married, we are all part of a family. Unity means being in agreement,
in harmony and of one accord. How is this possible?

Strong families recognize that there are benefits and pleasures to be gained from time and
activities together. They also realize that they have contributions to make to the family
and its members and some obligation to do so. They value the family bond and make
efforts to preserve time together for family activities and interaction.

Families that value unity will, from time-to-time, evaluate the time and energy allocated
to family, and when necessary, makes needed adjustments.

By spending pleasant, positive time together, families build up a reserve of good feelings.
When trouble comes, it has to be shared with the family and resolved.

What families do together does not matter so much as that they do something together
that is mutually planned and enjoyable. As a general principle, it is probably a good idea
to strive for a balanced activity program, including active and inactive, physical and
mental, old and new, at home and away, work and play. Spontaneity, humor, wit, and fun
are goals to strive for.

Family unity includes time that family members spend together, both quality and
quantity. It means maintaining family identity and togetherness, balancing family
priorities with support for member needs, producing strong family bonds, and freedom
for individual self-expression.

In a previous post, we talked about building trust in families and how that was an important part
of creating an atmosphere of teamwork in your home. In this post, we will talk a little bit about
another crucial part of creating a team – being ok with conflict.

What does it look like when family’s are NOT ok with conflict?
Families that aren’t ok with conflict might get bored with each other. If they have family meetings,
the meetings might seem kind of superficial. There may be a lot of talking about other members
behind each other’s backs. Families that aren’t ok with conflict might avoid discussing important
topics because they are controversial and they might not share (or ask for) the opinions of other
people in their family.

What does it look like when family’s ARE ok with conflict?
Families that are ok with conflict are able to disagree respectfully with each other. They
understand that people have different ideas and opinions and that being able to voice our
opinions gives us a feeling of importance and belonging to a group. Families that are ok with
conflict are able to “clear the air” of resentments. They understand that sometimes disagreements
can act to motivate us to change. Families that are ok with conflict also look for “win-win”
solutions, rather than “win-lose” or “lose-lose (often veiled as compromise)” solutions. When they
disagree, they try to hear the other side, rather than try to “win” the fight.

Ways you can be “ok with conflict” in your family.
In the Five Dysfunctions of a team by Patrick Lencioni, conflict is described as a continuum with
“artificial harmony” on one end and “mean-spirited personal attacks” on the other. Healthy teams
shoot for a spot on the Harmony side near the middle.

Every family has certain rules that are not negotiable. But often parents turn everything into a
“nonnegotiable,” forcing other members of the family into feeling like they have no control. When
it comes to things like choosing what is for dinner, or how to spend a Saturday afternoon,
welcome feedback and debate! It will build on trust and foster communication, independence, self
esteem AND teamwork. Encourage family members to express their views and feelings in
respectful ways to each other (no yelling, insulting, talking down to others, etc.).
o Define the conflict. Work together to make sure members know exactly what the problem is in
clear and specific language.
o Reflect back. Control your passions! Repeat back to the other members what they are asking
for and what they are needing to ensure each person understands and each person feels heard.
Ask them to do the same.
o Be optimistic and make it clear that the goal is to come to a win-win whenever possible.
o Accept that conflict can be a little uncomfortable, and that’s ok.

Remember: It’s not the end of the world if a family member steps over the line. In fact,
working through controversy and conflict as a team and in a respectful way helps each
individual member develop confidence in the family as a group!

How does your family respond when there is disagreement? Does everyone have the opportunity
to be heard?

Heather Remer, INCAF